Post by eddiebadassdavis on Mar 11, 2021 10:16:54 GMT
Red Dwarf: Laugh Track.
By Eddie Davis
Set during series X
Starring Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny - John Jules and Robert Llyewllyn.
Intro.
Scene 1. Shot: Red Dwarf. INT: bunkroom. Lister is on his bunk, reading a magazine and Rimmer is at the desk.
Lister:
Did you hear about the bloke who was born with no hands and no feet. Imagine being that poor bloke.
Rimmer (cynical):
I can see that clearly, you wouldn't do much though. At least you can get someone doing all the work for you.
Lister:
But he was a victim of abuse, if that happened to me. I don’t think I can live without. doing it.
Rimmer turns to Lister.
Rimmer:
You can’t live without touching yourself? Lister, I’m dead. Have you thought about me?
Lister:
No, I don’t wanna smegging know what you do with your time.
Rimmer:
All of this time in deep space where I'm dead. I can’t touch, I can't feel. Even when i try to think visually, something horrible come’s to mind.
Lister (annoyed):
Rimmer please stop talking.
Rimmer keeps on talking.
Rimmer:
Even when I was a child, I was caught by my brothers.
Lister smacks himself with the magazine.
Lister (groaning):
Please stop. It’s terrifying.
Kryten walks in.
Kryten:
Sir’s, we have found something floating in deep space.
Lister:
Oh thank you Kryten, you miracle.
Kryten:
Am i a miracle?
Rimmer:
Kryten, I have a question. Have you ever touch -
Lister interrupts him.
Lister:
Let's go find what that thing is in deep space.
Lister walks out of the room, followed by Rimmer.
Kryten:
I sense something disturbing Mr Lister.
Rimmer:
Oh it’s no biggie, I just wondered if you ever did it to yourself?
Kryten:
Are you asking me to do it for Mr Lister?
Rimmer (distraught):
What mess have I put myself in.
Scene 2. INT: Drive room. Cat is sitting down on a chair. Lister sits next to him.
Lister:
So what have you found?
Cat:
Something square thing. (sniffs) with buttons and it’s floating.
Lister:
You really are trying aren’t you?
Cat:
Hey, I’m a Cat. We all smell something in our way. You know that smelly sock on G deck?
Lister:
That’s not a sock.
Cat:
Well whatever it is, it smelled horrible.
Lister:
Let's just leave it at that.
Rimmer and Kryten walk in.
Kryten:
Now if we turn on the scanner, we might be able to track down the object.
Kryten turns on the scanner. POV: The object is hovering on top of Red Dwarf.
Lister ( winging):
Do we really need to get it?
Kryten:
It could be some good use to us.
Rimmer:
As an acting senior officer, I dib myself out. I can’t touch anything.
Lister:
Hang on, you're a hard light.
Rimmer:
Don’t interrupt. I nominate either, Kryten, Cat or even You Lister.
Cat:
Hell I'm not going out there, even look at my clothes. Does red suit with -
Cat soon realizes his fault.
Cat:
Damn, you win non bud.
Rimmer:
Kryten?
Kryten:
I’ve got to navigate anyone who’s going out.
Rimmer:
Looks like you’re up Lister.
Lister gives up. He and Cat go off to get space suits off screen.
Scene 3. EXT: ship. Lister and Cat are in space suits. They are trying to find the object.
Kryten is talking to them over the speaker.
Kryten (Voice over):
Sirs, the object is located at the rear side of the top end. Move to the top.
Lister and Cat find themselves at the stairs.
Cat:
Hey bud. I would rather be in speedos and walk around the pool then be in this suit.
Lister:
Relax okay, we’re just at the top of the ship.
Lister and Cat walk up a flight of stairs.
Cat:
So, when you said. We’re nearly there. Did you mean, we’re here?
Lister:
I don’t know. I was a vending chicken repairman for smegs sake. I’ve got no idea how big this ship is. Okay, I know it’s the size of a trash can, a really bad trash can, where it’s really red. But I never knew it’s that big.
Cat:
What are you talking about!? You’ve been zooming in and out in Star Bug to know how big the ship is!
Lister:
Cat, it’s a fair distance from the SMEGGING ship to just know. How big it is, It’s small from where we would be in the bug or the Blue Midget. But when we’re up close like we are right now. It’s large.
Moments later. A exhausted Lister and Cat arrive at the top of the ship.
Kryten (Voice over):
Sirs, just an update. The object has been taken in via a transport dock.
Lister and Cat aren't happy by the news.
Scene 4: INT: Corridor. Lister and Cat emerge from the outer doors.
Rimmer:
Gentleman, how was your fresh exercise outside in deep space?
Lister:
Was like waiting in line at the supermarket, whilst there is a robbery happening.
Lister walks out of the way for Cat. Cat quickly takes off his suit.
Cat:
This suit feels like someone has just boned me from back to front.
Cat takes off his suit. Revealing a human bone.
Rimmer:
That could have been anyone’s?
Cat:
You think I would leave my bones in a ugly looking suit? Of course not! It’s bad looking.
The trio walk to the medi lab. Kryten has just played around wires, turning on the box.
Rimmer:
So this thing, do you know what it is?
Kryten:
Well my theory suggests sir, it is indeed a box.
Rimmer:
What does the box do, what are the key functions to this electrical looking box?
Kryten:
Would you like this simple, or in scientific mode?
Lister:
Scientific.
Kryten:
This box is some sort of enabler, it enables reality to co - inside with ours.
Rimmer is confused.
Rimmer:
What is the simple version?
Kryten:
It’s a box full of gears with magic inside it.
Rimmer:
I get it now.
Kryten pushes a button. SFX: Everything becomes distorted. Bright flash, everything becomes normal.
Lister:
What happened?
Kryten:
I suppose there could have been a fault with the machine.
Rimmer spots something new.
Rimmer (pointing offscreen):
Has that always been there?
Shot: studio audience. The dwarfers are stunned.
Lister:
We’ve transported into some sort of sitcom?
Kryten:
We have’nt moved anywhere, the audience have moved to us. Thus creating a merge in space and time.
Rimmer (annoyed):
Save us this Doctor Who crap and make it easier for me to understand.
The audience laugh. Dwarfers react with surprise.
Cat:
So, what are we gonna do?
Kryten:
Well the machine has just burnt out, now it won’t take long to get new batteries.
Rimmer:
What sort of batteries are you talking about?
Kryten:
AA batteries sir.
The audience laugh.
Lister:
That's gonna get really annoying soon.
Scene 4. Kryten opens up the box. He opens up his chest. The audience laugh.
Kryten (Breaking 4th wall):
How is that funny? I’m just opening up my chest for some spare parts.
The audience laugh at that joke.
Kryten closes his chest. Rimmer peeks out from the door.
Rimmer:
Have you fixed the thing yet?
Kryten:
Not yet sir, I've just checked the fault. It’s going to take 8 hrs to recharge the battery.
Rimmer:
What? 8 hrs. I used to play with those electric cars when i was a kid, even my brothers would try and raid me with a controller dinosaur. That was 6 feet tall and it would only take an hour to charge.
Kryten:
You must know sir, This has opened up the fabric of reality.
Rimmer (annoyed):
You do your Doctor Who talk and I am de promoting you down to bum cleaner.
The audience laugh at the joke. Rimmer gets annoyed by the audience.
INT: Bunkroom. Lister is playing with his guitar. Cat is staring at the audience.
Cat:
Hey bud.
Lister:
What?
Cat:
What if I go near them?
Lister:
What do you mean
Cat goes close to the audience and falls through a portal.
Lister reacts with horror.
Lister:
Cat? Cat!?
Lister follows Cat through the portal.
Kryten and Rimmer walk into the bunk room.
Kryten:
Sirs, I think we have an idea for our problem. We ignore the audience who is watching us.
Kryten and Rimmer realize that the bunk is empty.
Rimmer:
Now where did they go?
Kryten:
Maybe they went for a walk sir?
Rimmer:
Went for a walk? Kryten, you can’t go for a walk where there is a large studio audience following you around. It’s absurd.
Scene 5: INT: Pinewood studios. Lister and Cat emerge from the portal and find a crowd of people in the audience cheering.
Cat:
What happened, where are we?
Lister:
I think we stepped through a portal Cat. And I think we are filmed right in front of a studio audience.
Cat:
Is this a joke? Because i don’t hear anyone laughing.
Cat and Lister soon realize that the audience has stopped laughing. The audience soon turn out to be robots and a man peers out of the door.
Pembers:
Oh sorry, my robots are getting old.
Lister:
Hi, uh. Who are you?
Pembers:
My name is Pembers and I am alone without anything but entertainment.
Lister and Cat look at each over weirdly.
INT: Red Dwarf Corridor. Kryten and Rimmer walk down.
Rimmer:
Where could they have gotten to?
Kryten:
Permission to share my theory?
Rimmer:
Go ahead.
Kryten:
The Cat could have become curious and accidentally walked into where the audience is.
Rimmer:
So, could that mean we can fix up the machine and leave them there?
Kryten:
Sir, we don’t know what could happen to them.
Rimmer:
My best guess is. They are probably dead.
INT: Pember’s workshop. Lister and Cat look around at the weird and eerie robots around.
Pembers:
Here are my bots. They are what keeps me going.
Lister (worried):
How long have you been stuck “here”
Pembers (emotional):
It’s been 4 centuries since I was in stasis. All my friends are long gone, but since i was free from my bidding, I need to find something to do.
Lister (feeling sorry):
Yeah, I know what it's like.
Lister:
But,how did you get to us?
Pembers:
Oh, our ship has a transit device which can home into the nearest ship in the sector of space.
Cat (whispers into Lister’s ear):
Do you think this guy’s a bit creepy bud?
Lister walks away from Pembers and talks to Cat.
Lister:
Yeah this smeg head is giving me the creeps, you should say something to him.
Cat:
Me? What about you bud? You do all the talking around here.
Lister and Cat go back to face the creepy Pembers.
Lister:
Hey mate, I think we got a call from our mates. I think we should start heading back.
Pembers head to the door, blocking them.
Pembers:
You can never leave. You are my new friends now.
Lister and Cat are creeped out.
Scene 6: INT: Audience room. Kryten and Rimmer emerge at the same place. Kryten is holding the SI scan.
Kryten (looking at SI scan):
The life signs are coming from over here.
Kryten and Rimmer run up and pass the corpses of the crew.
INT: Workshop. Lister and Cat are at gun point at Pembers cause.
Lister:
Look mate, we hardly know who you are.
Pembers:
My name is Pembers
Cat:
We are already friends with you bud. Now can we go?
Pembers:
You want to leave someone who has been alone for 4 years in a vessel with his own personal hell?
Lister:
I know what it is like man, with the guilt of not seeing your friends or your family again.
Cat (interrupts):
He’s his own father.
Lister:
Shut up Cat. What I’m saying is. Enjoy what you already have, you don’t have to be harassed by the tax man, you don’t have to be bullied in leaving your wife. And absolutely, you don’t have to give a smeg what anyone says!
Pembers:
You’re right. Killing all the people who have put you down through hell really helped. But what about the two idiots who don’t wanna be your friend?
Lister:
Oh smeg.
Cat:
We really are damned. And I’ve just changed to a green smoked jacket!
Pembers pulls up his gun and is about to shoot Lister and Cat. Kryten comes up behind and hits Pembers with a hammer, knocking him out unconscious.
Lister:
Thank god you have found us!
Kryten:
We found you via the SI scan. It checked out a lot of things about this place too.
Scene 6: INT: Science room. The dwarfers are all standing around as Kryten gives out his talk.
Kryten:
Pembers was a mentality ill patient who was a former scientist, who had murdered everyone on his ship, now if i may recall. The audience were actually dead crew members all along.
Rimmer and the others are creeped out.
Rimmer:
So what happened to him?
Kryten:
I’ve only knocked him out sir. I’m not capable of killing things.
Lister:
And that transit device thing, was it deliberate?
Kryten:
That indeed was just him wanting to prey on his victims.
Lister:
Jesus, we’ve been in deep space for a very long time. We’ve seen polymorphs and Rimmer’s how to books. But this really takes the biscuit.
Rimmer:
I guess that “Pembers” is going to have to play with himself for a very long time.
End.